


Lists

by flyingblackhawk



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, The Avengers (Marvel) - All Media Types
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-04-14
Updated: 2020-04-14
Packaged: 2021-03-02 02:33:54
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,364
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23647780
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/flyingblackhawk/pseuds/flyingblackhawk
Summary: Back at the facility after five years of post-Snap vengeance, Clint finds a notebook in his nightstand.
Relationships: Clint Barton & Natasha Romanov
Comments: 3
Kudos: 15





	Lists

The room isn’t exactly as he left it. Clint isn’t surprised, given that it’s been five years. Someone’s been through and picked everything up off the floor, neatened the shelves, even the long-forgotten clothes in the hamper have been laundered and put away. There’s only been one person at the facility for years now, so it’s not much of a stretch to guess that Natasha is the one who’s been in here. The thought twists his chest, and out of sheer instinct he shoves that emotion down, works it into a cold knot of anger. Then he stops. He doesn’t have to do that here. Not here, and not with her. 

He showers, and gets into bed. After five years of sleeping rough most nights, it’s a pleasant feeling to be somewhere he knows he’s safe, and to be able to lie here without planning his next assassination. Without those processes, though, his mind drifts, and after an hour of tossing and turning Clint gives up on sleep and sits up in bed. 

He flicks on the lamp, and reaches out to open the drawer in his nightstand. He has a vague recollection of a novel he was reading all those years ago. Maybe it’s still here. He grasps something book-shaped, and pulls it out of the drawer. It’s not a novel. It’s a notebook, and there’s a pen clipped to the cover. Clint blinks, trying to remember if this is his. He opens the cover. 

The first page is a list of names, with his right at the top. Several are crossed out, some are circled. His own name is circled heavily and followed by three question marks. As he reads down the list, he realises that this is Natasha’s handwriting, and it’s a list of the dead. He turns the page, and the list goes on. It takes up the first eight pages of the notebook, front and back. She must have written this in the first days of the Snap, Clint realises. He imagines what it must have been like - writing out a list of all the important people in her life, and finding out one by one that they were gone. Each page of the list makes his heart sink further. He flips to the page after the list. 

_Canada??_

_Sighting at Montreal, report from Quebec border agent - matching description. _

_No fake passport reported._

_Belarus Airport - CALL ALIAKSIEJ. _

** _Kiev??_ **

_Where next?_

He knows what this is too. She must have been charting his movements. There are no notes after Kiev, and he knows why. He dumped every fake document he had into a furnace, and walked across the Russian border at Nikanorovka. There would have been be no way to follow him after that, not even with the best technology the Avengers had access to. Clint turns another page.

_Central comms room_

_Move tables into storage & set up conferencing center against South wall. _

~~ _Call Tony?_ ~~

_Reroute security feeds to CR._

That matches the changes Clint noted when he arrived earlier. He feels guilty reading this. It’s clearly Natasha’s notebook. So why was it in his nightstand? 

_Marigolds_

_Ox-eyes_

_Milkweed_

_Cardinal Flower (Laura’s favourite) _

He knows he shouldn’t be doing this. Even if it’s just lists, it’s personal. 

~~ _Ask Steve about moving everyone to the same building_ ~~

_Help Steve pack_

_Help Bruce pack_

~~ _Call Rhodes?_ ~~

Clint bites his lip. 

~~ _I wish you were here._ ~~

_Close off unoccupied block_

** _Call Pepper_ **

_Baby shower present?_

** _Conference call 4pm_ **

_Where the hell are you?_

A couple of subsequent pages are filled with little shapes and doodles. Clint recognises them as the product of Natasha being on a phone call and not being able to say what she wants to say. Lots of the little drawings have been scribbled over so heavily that the pages underneath are indented. 

~~ _5_ ~~ _7 mile run_

_SHIELD drills_

_Gym back room - pull up mats (could be a studio?)_

He knows she only dances when she’s in turmoil. He knows that because he’s the only person on this planet she trusts to know everything about her. Reading these pages, and knowing she was doing all this on her own - it’s a lot to take in. He reads on. 

_Birthday present for Morgan_

_Plant out cardinals for Laura_

_Call Steve (Brooklyn cell)_

~~ _Clint_ ~~

~~ _2 years, Clint. Not one message._ ~~

_Bring extra monitors up from Bruce’s lab_

** _Order coffee beans_ **

2020, then, he thinks. Three years ago. Even then, he was barely thinking of her. He hates himself for it. 

_This is the longest stretch I’ve had no visitors._

_Steve called the city ‘home’ last time he called._

_Rhodes has info on you- Korea, this time._

~~ _I miss you._ ~~

Clint blinks. For the first time in a long while, he has to swallow a lump in his throat. 

_The last time I could do this many push-ups, I was in the Red Room._

_The cardinals are blooming. I checked up on the farm a few days ago. Everything’s fine._

_You left clothes on the floor. I washed them for you. Your hoodie is mine now._

The next few pages are blank. Then-

_18.6.21_

_**Happy Birthday.** You’d better come back before next year. I don’t think I could make fun of a man in his forties in good conscience. _

_I saw what you did in Riyadh. I probably would have done the same._

_If you’re worried about what I’m going to think, don’t. I just want you to come back._

_I’ve been the only one here for two years._

_I miss you._

Clint blinks away tears. He knew he’d feel guilty if she caught up with him. He didn’t expect to feel so ashamed. 

_8.2.22_

_Security footage from a bank in Seoul. It’s only the back of your head, but it’s nice to know you’re alive. At least, you were alive four days ago._

He remembers Seoul. He wishes he didn’t, but he does. 

_29.7.22_

_I slept in your bed last night. Some nights I sleep in the lounge. It doesn’t matter. There’s no one here to worry about me. Steve still comes once every few months. He’s busy now. I call Pepper on her birthday, and on Morgan’s. Tony made me her godmother. How weird is that?_

_I realised today that I haven’t said anything out loud for three days. I only talk when the conferences are up and running, and we don’t have much to report these days. Rocket mostly emails. Carol tries, but she’s busy most of the time. I can’t ask anyone to come and live here. They’d be crazy to._

He wants to stop. This isn’t right. 

_17.10.22_

~~ _Clint, I_ ~~

~~ _Clint_ ~~

_If you knew how it felt to be alone in this giant empty compound, you’d be back here in a heartbeat._

He can’t change what he’s done. He wants to cry. 

“Clint?”

He looks up. Natasha is standing in his doorway, frozen at the sight of the notebook in his hands. He sets it down on the nightstand, and gets out of bed. 

“Don’t worry about it,” she says, but her voice wavers for a moment. Clint crosses the distance between them like it was never there at all, and wraps her in his arms. She doesn’t hesitate, and hugs him back as tightly as she’s wanted to for five years. It’s not over yet, and they have so much left to do, but just for a moment, everything is alright again. 

“I’m sorry,” he says. 

“It doesn’t matter now,” she tells him, finally pulling away enough to breathe. “We can talk about this after we’ve done what we have to do. Just… get some sleep, okay? We’ve got work to do in the morning.”

She goes to his nightstand and takes the notebook, then she leaves him alone in his room. She’s right. Tomorrow they will attempt what no human has ever done before, and if they succeed, well- Clint doesn’t want to think about that just yet. Hope is not a feeling he’s felt in a long time. He settles down to sleep. Nothing can go wrong tomorrow, not as long as Natasha is by his side. 

**Author's Note:**

> Anonymously requested. This work also appears on flyingblackhawk's Tumblr - see flyingblackhawk.tumblr.com/ficlist for hundreds of Marvel fics


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